So, I want to start off with a story. A married couple experienced an extreme disagreement and went to a marriage counselor for help. The counselor asked them about the issue and they explained that they had only one lemon and both of them wanted it. So, they got in an argument over it. And the argument got heated. They called each other names and imputed ungodly motives to each other, and they both thought, “My mate is self-centered and stubborn.” The word divorce even came up. They said. “My mate is not willing to see it from my side.” Both of them said that. That, by the way, is a state that Jesus called hard-heartedness in the reason that God allows divorce under certain circumstances – for example, adultery. So, the therapist they were talking to asked each one of them why the lemon was so important. By the way, the lemon had long shriveled up and was no good anymore by the time they got to the therapist. And the man said, “I want the lemon to make us some lemonade.” And she said, “I wanted the lemon to use the lemon zest to make a cake.”

Okay, I’m busted. This never happened and it’s just a made-up story to make a point. We know that it’s a made-up story because it’s clear that it never happened, because no one is so self-centered they would divorce over a lemon. No one would not think to ask why the other wanted the lemon or express to the other their desire for it. No one would miss the idea of getting another lemon at the store. No one would call their mate a derogatory name and no one would accuse the other of being self-centered or even think it. 

Okay, busted again. This happens all the time in our world in marriage. It happens with our kids, people at work, among friends. We’re very judgmental people and stubborn and hard-hearted sometimes. 

So, today, we’re going to learn a way to communicate that will end misunderstandings and open the door to solutions and make it good for everybody. Would you be interested in learning that? All this sounds good, but nobody else can do this for you. If you don’t do it, it won’t happen. And it requires effort to learn how to use it and do it. It requires determination as well. It’s like learning tennis, or even worse, golf. If you do not have determination, you will not be able to learn that game. And that goes for this communicating approach as well. 

Now, since I’m a minister, and since this is important to me, I’m going to explain to you why and show you an example of God using the technique that I’m going to show you today. 

We all know the terrible story of how Israel became slaves in Egypt. They told them to make bricks without straw – to bind the mud together – and then, when their bricks broke, they punished them for it. So, they were deliberately making life hard on them. We know how the Egyptians were horrifically throwing the Israelite babies in the Nile and making their lives heavy with grief and sadness and anger. And we know how Moses’ parents had to make a little reed raft for him and hide him in the shallows of the Nile reed beds, hoping he would survive. So, we know how demoralized the children of Israel were, seeing no way out of their terrible lives – that they were forced to live in slavery. 

Well, we also know that, finally, God was fed up with it and decided to do something. He said something to Moses in Exodus 6:6. Let’s read it – He said:

Exodus 6:6 – Say therefore to the people of Israel, ‘I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from slavery to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great acts of judgment. 

So, that’s kind of the big thing. Everybody makes movies about, talks about, gives sermons about, reads about to their kids. But before He did all this, He did something else first. Look at the previous verse – that was verse 6, of Exodus 6, so let’s look at verse 5. He said:

V-5 – Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the people of Israel whom the Egyptians hold as slaves, and I have remembered my covenant.

What does that tell us He did first? Well, if He heard what they were doing, that means He was listening – listening intently before He did anything. He understood not only what was happening, but also understood, from listening, how they felt. He understood their misery. That, in our day, is called empathy. 

The apostle James has some instruction for us on this regard. It’s in James 1:19.

James 1:19 – Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear – listening – slow to speak, slow to anger – maybe the slow to speak part comes because you stop to listen first. 

So, God, after He heard what was going on, followed His own instruction – you know, He listened – and then that caused Him to wait before He spoke. He didn’t get angry until He got the entire picture and then formed a plan. He wasn’t the kind of God that flies off the handle. He does get angry, but not until He understands everything. 

Now, I admit, it’s a lot easier for God to listen to us and understand what’s going on than it is for us, but that’s why we have to learn how to do this. It’s a matter of, in a very concrete way, becoming more God-like. Did you get that? More God-like – something we should aspire to do. God listens first. So should we. 

So, what would have happened if our fictitious couple with the lemon had listened more – if they had been interested enough in their mate’s desire to ask the simple question: Why do you want the lemon so badly? Right? They were so caught up in the argument and getting control of that lemon and controlling the narrative that they forgot to do that simple thing. 

So, there was a man named Stephen Covey. He was a Mormon. I think he’s dead now. I’m pretty sure he is. He wrote a book called the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. And his goal was to teach people biblical principles without ever quoting the Bible one time. So, this is what he said: He said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Okay? Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 

So, this is an easy concept for us to understand, but it’s hard to employ because of some roadblocks that get in the way. Now, I’m going to enlighten you to the roadblocks before we learn how to do this. Okay? If you try to do this and you don’t realize what the problems are, you’re probably not going to be very successful at it. 

So, it’s counterintuitive. That’s point one. What do I mean by that? Well, when somebody’s talking to you and you’re listening to them, the natural response is to answer back. So, it takes one of the fruits of the Spirit to go against that natural response, doesn’t it? You have to be patient, and kind, and loving, and seeking to do as much good for the other person as you are for yourself – love your neighbor as yourself, right? So, it doesn’t take one of the fruits of the Spirit. It takes a number of them. So, okay, if you have a hard time doing this, what would that mean about the fruit of the Spirit that’s growing within you? Yeah. So, this should be embarrassing to us when we can’t pull it off. 

Okay, the second one: because it’s counterintuitive, it takes commitment to be slow to speak – to take the time to understand the other person first. We naturally just want to answer back. Do you know why we do that? Well, beside the counterintuitive logical part of it, you’re asking a question or making a statement and it’s supposed to be a conversation, so we answer back. But that’s also because we think we know best. It’s not important to understand exactly what they meant. We heard it, so we know what it is. I mean, we hear things, we can understand the language. So, we understand that when we’re talking to our kids, we think we know our kids better than we know ourselves. So, no need to listen. Just talk. So, it takes commitment. It takes commitment! 

Now, let me speak a little bit about that. When you play tennis or golf, you don’t carry a golf club or a tennis racket around with you all the time. You only use it when you need to. And that’s the same with this thing. If there’s a difference of opinion, or somebody gets emotional, or there’s a really important topic, then you pull out the listening golf club. But, until then, you can just carry on conversations like normal. 

So, the third point is – the first one was: it’s counterintuitive; the second one is: it takes commitment – and the third one is: it takes interest in the things of others. Self-centered people have a hard time with this one, because they think what they believe is more right and more important, or they’re smart enough to know what the other person means without double-checking. So, you have to be interested enough in the things other people are saying to make sure you get it the way they meant it. Or, even worse, sometimes we find people who think that they deserve to be right, just because they are. You know, they live on the earth, so they’re right. We usually reserve that designation for the narcissist in our group. 

Four. So, take interest in the things of others, it takes commitment, it’s counterintuitive, and it’s doesn’t work when we’re angry. So, when we get in an argument with somebody, or have a difference of opinion with somebody, or want something different from somebody – you know, there’s only one lemon and we want it more – sometimes we get angry about those things. And when that happens, there’s no chance – no chance – of understanding each other. 

So, because all of these roadblocks – counterintuitive, need for commitment, being interested in the things of others, and anger – they all inhibit us from learning and practicing this way. So, it’s easy to explain, and it’s easy to understand, and it’s hard to do until you practice it – like golf. Have you ever played golf before? You’ve got that little tiny ball, and your hands are so far away from it because the club is so long, and any little deviation in how you swing causes some massive difference at the end of the ball’s flight. So, very complicated. But when we get angry, the blood is pulled down out of our cortex – where our logical functioning is done – and it goes to our emotional center – just what we don’t want if we’re trying to have a conversation. We’re able to function better emotionally – that is, to be more emotional – whatever the emothion is – whether it’s anger or jealousy or whatever – that gets heightened. And also, the logical part of our brain is being shut down because there’s less blood in it. So, when this happens, that’s when we start making mistakes and start name calling and start imputing bad motives and judging – all the things God tells us not to do – name calling. We need to be calm and objective when we practice this mode of talking to each other – of communicating. If we’re too upset in the moment, then we should take a time-out – agree to talk about it later and set a specific time. So, we need to be calm and objective to take the time to understand first, before we try to be understood. 

So, I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m going to mention it again. I’ve kind of got it in the context of a married couple, but this is good any time. Any time we want to be understood by somebody else, the first thing to do is make sure we completely understand them. And that would be with our kids, our mate, our friends, our employer, our employees, the cable guy, the grocery checker. When you go to the grocery store to buy groceries, did you know that you and the grocery checker are on two completely different planes? You’re wishing they would hurry up and they’re trying to do everything right so they can function without making mistakes and being ineffective. Did you know that? With our mate, men listen to women talk and they think they understand what they mean because they know what they would mean if they’d have said what she just said, but that’s not how it works. Women don’t mean the same thing with the same words that men do. Their brains work differently. I’ve done this a long time with people, and women think they’re more intuitive and they understand their husbands better and all that, and they’re misunderstood. That’s just not true. Women misread men at least as much as men misread women. So, jettison that idea that you know better than your husband, because, unless you listen to him and draw it out of him, you don’t get it. The same is true for him. 

This is true with anybody you talk to. Your boss has different concerns than you have. Are kids certainly do, our friends. So, we’ve got to make sure we understand what’s important to them. It’s a very handy skill, and it makes us more like God, and that’s why it works so well. He is that way. So, we want to be that way too. 

How do you do it? All right. Step one: Silence your phone. Put it away. Do you have trouble with that? Then, you’re not committed. Right? You’re committed to your phone more than you’re committed to understanding. So, change that if you’re going to be successful at this. Pay attention to what the other person is saying and convey to that person non-verbally that you’re listening. How do we do that? Well, you all know how to do that. You listen. You look at them. You don’t fidget. You don’t cross your arms and legs, which implies shut-down. Be in an open posture, smile and listen. While you’re listening, do not plan what you will say to the person while they’re speaking or you’re going to look foolish very soon. You’ll see why in a minute, if you don’t understand already. 

Number two: Put yourself in the other person’s internal world. How do you do that? I mean, that sounds difficult, and it is sometimes. So, here’s what you do: one, you ask yourself what this person is wanting, even if they don’t say it. And you ask yourself, “How does this person feel?” even if they don’t say it – kind of like God did with the Israelites. I mean, they didn’t even talk to Him. They were just grumbling among themselves. But He watched and He listened and He learned what was going on. So, He knew what they wanted. They wanted to be free – at least, that’s what they said. And He understood how they felt – that they were depressed and discouraged. So, in essence, what you’re trying to do is become the other person to understand the issue and how they feel about it and what they want. Try to become the other person. This takes practice. You can’t learn to do this overnight. One of things I’ve done in times past is, I will watch a taped movie, and after somebody says something, I’ll hit the pause button, and I’ll try to fit into the other person’s role, listening to them, and see if I can reflect back what they’re putting out. They I turn it on – maybe to get a clue of whether I’m right or not. So, you try to become the other person to understand the issue, and how they feel about it, and what they want you to do. 

Okay, after you’ve done that then – after they’ve stopped talking – you formulate and deliver a statement, expressing to the other person what’s going on inside them. One of the name for this technique is called reflective listening. So that’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to formulate and deliver a statement that reflects the other person’s state – how they feel, what they want, what’s important to them. So, you mention the issue or events, you mention the emotions you think they might have. If you’re not sure about their feelings, take a guess. You can’t lose by doing this. If you get it right, they feel understood. Right? That’s what all of us want. If our mate, every time they speak to us, we fall into this routine of trying to understand what they want, and what emotions they have at the time, and the issue itself, you’re going to become a very important person to them, became nobody else listens to them like you do. On the other hand, if you don’t do that, then your mate will feel that you don’t listen and you don’t understand. And, if you don’t listen, that’s usually because you don’t care. So, this is really important. So, if you get it right – when you say what you think they’re feelings are – they feel understood. And, if you get it wrong, they will re-reflect – restate – to you their feelings in different words, which is extremely beneficial to you and them. It’s always good when we hear our own feelings coming back to us in the words of others. And if they get it wrong, they we have to think more about saying it differently. And that’s always helpful. 

Okay, now here comes another really hard part – this is point four. Point one was, listen intently. Two is, put yourself in the other person’s world. Three was formulate and deliver a statement expressing to the other person what’s going on inside them. Now, this fourth point is also about the statement you’re going to make. Screen out words and ideas that would not be recognized as true or valid. For example, if you just heard the other person say, “I want that lemon, no matter what you say,” reduce the temptation to say, “You are the most selfish person ever!” That’s not going to fly. Everybody’s going to argue with that. And, if they don’t argue with it, even worse, they’re just going to remember that you don’t get them. So, you have to be tactful and empathic as you deliver your statement. Remember, what we’re trying to do here is work together to solve a problem. Right? We’re not trying to win something or gain control of somebody else. If you do that, you’ve got a narcissism problem. So, we’re trying to work together, as a team, to find a solution that works for everybody. Right? We’re finding a solution together, rather than deliberately alienating the other person and building more resistance to us. Let’s say you call your mate – while we’re having this discussion – and you use a bad word to describe them. Well, that’s going to make them resist you all the more, and they may just not agree with you, just on general principle, but you’re an idiot. So, don’t call each other names and don’t say things that are demeaning or put-downs to each other while you’re trying to work together as a team to solve a problem. Can I say, “Duh!” there? A discussion is not a tug-of-war, where we resist with all our might. It’s not a debate, where we try to prove the other person wrong and us right. It’s not an attack, where we try to diminish or destroy the other person. It an exploration, looking for a solution for everybody. Instead, say, “You are so frustrated with me, you’ve given up seeking a solution that will work for both of us.” And, if they say, “No,” to that, they will probably talk more about how they feel about you and why. So now, when that happens – when somebody starts talking to us about what they think our motives are – now we’re really starting to get down to the bottom of what’s going on. It’s not really about a lemon. Or, they might offer some, as yet unexplored, options to prove they haven’t given up. And that’s good, right? Because they’re going deeper into the issue. Everything is going to get laid out on the table so that nobody has to wonder what’s happening or suspect that somebody has bad motives towards them. But then, if they say, “Yes,” they will have to defend an indefensible position. For somebody who has God’s Spirit, love hopes all things. Right? So, we’re hoping for a solution here. And we’re hoping that we can work this out. And we’re not going to call each other names or be disrespectful or get frustrated. Love hope all things. That means that, if we use God’s Spirit – we set our minds on the things above – we will go into this discussion hoping – hoping – not to win, not to gain control, not to continue to manipulate, but hope all things – looking for a solution and hoping for it. 

Now, if we’re talking about physical or psychological harm as a pattern, then that’s a different matter. I’m not talking about psychopathology here or physical abuse. If you think that’s happening and that’s why you can’t have good communication, it might be good to talk to a therapist about that. 

Okay, so here’s the next step – step five: Once they have spoken to you, and you have listened to them, and then you make a statement reflecting back to them what you got…. I was once talking to a therapist and he was teaching me how to talk to somebody in my congregation that had a very serious problem – was very upset about it and didn’t want to go to a therapist – and he told me how to listen to this person and to help them express themselves, which we’re not covering here so much. But, when we got done, he said, “Now Bill, you’re a minister, aren’t you?” And I said, “Yeah,” And he said, “Okay, so no sermons, no advice, no judgment” – there was one other, but I can’t remember what it was. I said, “Well, you just took my four main things away from me, so what do I do?” So, if you can’t call names, and you can’t impute motives, what do you say? Well, you leave yourself out of this statement. You don’t respond to the person while you’re reflecting back what you got. You don’t talk about yourself at all. You just express yourself as though were the other person and you’re trying to become them. So, in your statement, express what the other person wants and why – if they told you why the want the lemon yet – and, if they haven’t, be sure, after you’re done listening and it’s your turn to speak, ask them why. “I know you really want the lemon, but I don’t know why yet.” Right? Find out. So, this is the most important part of the process – other than being willing to listen first.

So, how can we find solutions unless we know what’s important to the other person and why? Have you ever thought about that? I mean, it’s okay to ask them. So, this is a way to do that. Before we talk and respond to what they’ve said and we completely understand what they meant, things are going to go a lot better. It changes both people in the process. 

The sixth step, then, is: monitor the length of your statement. Rather than trying to recite the entire content of their statement, just repeat a) what they want and b) why they want it and c) how they’re feeling right now. So, you can summarize it, in other words. One of things I notice in this kind of discussion: when people finally get a chance to talk and somebody listens, they tend to just go on and on, because it feels so good. So, if there are people like that involved in the process, it might be good to ask them to break it up into different steps – not to leave anything out, but to just save some of it for later, because I can’t remember everything you said – it’s so long – and I want to do that. 

Okay, so once that is taken care of – monitor the length of your statement – and you reflect back to them what you think they want, how they feel and all that, then you ask if you understood. “Did I get that right?” Or, “Do I understand what you said correctly?” What happens here is either a yes or a no. If they say, “Yes,” that means that 1) the other person knows that you understand what they said, and 2) feels heard by you. That’s respect. I hear all the time in therapy, “She just doesn’t get me,” or, “He never listens.” If we’re the person who listens, we become unique and important to the other person. Now, if they say, “No,” that’s going to allow them to be more specific, which is a good thing. They’re going to correct what you said in the areas that you were incorrect. Or, maybe sometimes, they’ll just continue on with some more material because even your incorrect reflection caused them to realize they left something out or there is something important they forgot to say. So, that deepens the whole conversation too. It’s amazing what happens when we hear our own words come back to us in the words of someone else. It helps us understand ourselves – our motives, our desires, our emotions. So, we thought, when we went into this, we were going to reflect so that we could understand those things about the other person, but it also helps them define themselves more and what they want. So, that’s a win-win. 

Now, how can we resolve an issue unless we consider our own position and how it affects the other person? So, all of that is starting to happen once we begin listening and reflecting back what we got. 

So, I see we’re running a bit on with this. There is more to it. For example, once we have proven to the other person that we have listened and understood, how do we answer them. And once everyone understands each other, how do we move to find the solution that’s more of a compromise – more than a compromise, but a solution that works for everyone? Well, I do all three of these things with couples over Zoom as a part of my couples’ therapy approach. Rather than refereeing their differences, I teach them how to solve their own problems so they don’t need me around anymore. I mean, that’s one of the best things about it. I don’t like to cause people to become dependent on me. I want to teach people how to have skills to stand on their own two feet. This skill is about how to do what James said – when we are quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath.